As a mentor, you may find yourself as the sounding board for the challenges your mentee faces. There’s a fine line between being supportive and taking on their responsibilities. We look at the perils of the Drama Triangle and how through recognising the individual states, you can act accordingly, empowering your mentee to take ownership.
Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle recognises three unproductive roles people can fall into when faced with a challenge.
The mentee may take on a Victim role where they don’t know what to do and they look to you to be their Rescuer instead of taking responsibility on themself and finding a way to resolve the situation. Equally, they could fall into a Persecutor role where they blame others for their predicament and don’t see the need for them to take ownership; ‘it’s not my fault’.
With all the best intentions and driven by the desire to be the fixer, it can be easy for a mentor to find themself in the Rescuer role. You may feel you’re being supportive when, in reality, it takes the power away from the mentee to come up with their own ideas and seek their own solution. It stifles their creativity by your well-meaning demonstration that you are the expert and you know best.
Another concept to consider is William Oncken Jr. and Donald L. Wass’ Monkey Management.
Think of the “monkey” as representing the problem. When your mentee brings you their monkey, there’s a risk it will jump on your back by your taking ownership of it. Imagine how many monkeys you’ll have if you, the ‘Rescuer’, takes them all on. You want to ensure any monkey stays with its rightful owner, the mentee.
You can help your mentee to move on from a Drama Triangle role into their respective opposites shown in The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) – the Persecutor becomes the Challenger, the Rescuer becomes the Coach and the Victim becomes the Creator.
As an effective mentor:
- Guide your mentee to accept responsibility and see themselves as being capable of problem-solving.
“I know you’re capable of figuring this out. I’m here to help you think it through.”
- Ask thought-provoking questions to help them consider different ideas and find a solution.
“What options have you come up with so far? Talk me through the pros and cons of those.”
- Make it clear what support you can give; ensuring it’s the mentee that takes the action.
“I’m happy to be a sounding board but the decision on what to do next is yours.”
Your role is to use your experience to guide and empower the mentee. By staying out of the Drama Triangle and keeping any monkeys where they belong, you can create a thriving working dynamic.
Further resources:
The Drama Triangle (from leadership and teamwork keynote speaker Joe Mull’s “No More Team Drama”) https://youtu.be/s8MJhstJSLg
A Game Free Life: The Definitive Book on the Drama Triangle and the Compassion Triangle - Stephen B. Karpman
Effective Delegation Monkey Business Example https://youtu.be/OwNnydS-qw0
The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey - by Kenneth H. Blanchard